The Shame Spiral
What is a Shame Spiral?
Picture this. You’re about to put your computer away for the night, but before you do, you check your calendar for tomorrow. Shit! You double-booked yourself for dinner. You remember you agreed to a last minute client dinner to make your boss happy and forgot about a planned dinner with your bff that’s been on the calendar for over a month. You start shaming and blaming yourself. How did I make this mistake? I always do this. I’m a bad friend. I’m a workaholic. I let work control my life. I have too much on my plate. I’m a crappy friend, etc.
You feel full of shame. You feel like crap. You just shame spiraled.
Who does this effect?
Anyone. And, I’ve experienced with my clients and through research that shame spiraling can show up more frequently for people who identify as high-achievers, perfectionist and/or people pleasers. Also, people who have shared that they experience anxiety, low self worth and/or self confidence.
How does this impact you?
Shame spiraling depletes you of energy. It creates negative emotions that can be very destructive like anxiety and depression. It increases negative self-talk and can make you spiral into feelings of worthlessness and embarssement that further shames us. This all impacts your mental health, physical health, your self-confidence, your self-worth, your energy, your stress, your spirit.
How to stop the spiral?
Step 1) Breathe. Lovingly acknowledge that you are shame spiraling with self-compassion. It is ok. Step 2) Forgive yourself for making mistakes, being perfectly imperfect and remind yourself you’re human. Step 3) Ask yourself how would a loving friend speak to you right now? How would they comfort you? Offer yourself that comfort. Step 4) Repeat some of your favorite affirmations
*Bonus* What’s one thing you can do right now that would move you into a positive, empowering direction? Ask depending on how you feel energetically.
Practice = Progress
When you practice stopping the shame spiral, you grow your muscles of positive self-talk, self-compassion and forgiveness. This helps you start more easily shifting from self-judgment to self-love. It helps you to let go of your false idea of perfectionism to embracing your mistakes and transforming them into gifts of knowledge and experience.
If shame spiraling happens more than you like, remember, it will take healing, practice and support. Healing and self-growth isn’t a solo journey, so please make sure you’re building your wellness board of directors that you can lean on for advice, support and accountability to commit to your highest and best self. This can be your friends, coaches, therapist and/or you wellness community.